thelilipages is opening her freewrites.  She does 500 words.  i do these too, but i only do 100 words.  This is the last one i did.

Laughing, screaming, crying, sighing, loving life, the phoenix in full flight.  Soaring above the pain, the strife, the struggle to sustain life.  Simple dreams and promises of a better tomorrow.  Looking ahead, letting go, moving forward.  Insubstantial ashes that no longer burn hot, merely smolder. 

Mythical creature of light; aspiration never quite attained.  Always there, always sought after, always glimpsed.  Eye on the sky when old wounds choke, searching for tomorrow.

On the horizon, a comfort, a hope that is almost a disease.  Cool water, given in sips.  Crisp, clean linens soft against the skin.  Love given and love received. 

Tags: 100 words
Current Location: desk
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Broken Sunday ~ Saliva

Taken from thelilipages.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

JH broke his neck.  They've done surgery but don't think they can fix him completely.  Karma is a mother fucker.  So what's my karma going to be like for wishing bad things on JH?

i feel bad.

Tags: karma

i'm thinking about asking J to stop reading SS.  It upsets him.  Everytime he reads it he gets bent out of shape and doesn't want to touch me.  This gives me a major complex.  i know that stuff is upsetting but does it make me repulsive?  He says it doesn't, that he just worries about me... but i can't help but wonder if the thought that i... oh fuck it.
i wish he wouldn't read it if its going to make him not want to touch me.  i worry enough about being gross.  No matter what he says his reasons are that's how i feel.

Tags: living with it

When night falls its time to earn my keep. The job is pretty simple: give them whatever they want. Smile, laugh, cry, scream, act like it doesn't hurt, writhe in pain, and give up bits of my soul never to be returned.

The loneliness is always there, like a silent shriek. Its bad when you sit alone and hate yourself but worse when you are in a crowd. On too high heels with people all around and you are your own tiny island of self loathing and regret.

Another night. An endless string of nights. The life of a whore.

Tags: 100 words, living with it
Current Location: Desk
Current Mood: apathetic

Today i wrote in screaming secrets.  And, i felt how i felt when Benny told me no.  Crushed.  i've felt crushed all day long.  Hopeless.  i can't seem to find the words to describe how i feel.  Like there is no goodness or joy in the world.  i feel like my heart is bruised.  All the pain and bitterness of being a kid failing an important test has rushed back to me.  i tried to reach out to J but he's busy or something and i don't have it in me to say i'm haunted again please help me.  i can't.
i'm so confused and ripped open and raw.
It'll heal... and maybe this time it'll heal clean.

Tags: ss reaction
Current Location: Desk
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: none

There are people who should just be drug out by the heels and pummeled.  i mean really, these people get on my fucking nerves so bad, i can't stand it.  i can just feel the hate course through my body when i look at them and i have to restrain myself from playing "Run Motherfucker Run" by Snoop and cruising right the hell over top of the sorry fuckers.  i cannot for the life of me figure out why these waste of breath bastards are still kicking and Ebony is gone.  It makes me sick.
Sleep was a joke last night.  i went to bed at 10:30 but i was up and in my rocker at 12:30, i rocked and thought about little dead girls until 2 and by then i was enraged i had to pace.  i paced until 3 and then i went back to bed.  i dreamed about dirty old man hands and woke up before the alarm went off with my mouth full of hatred spit.
You know, i'm tired.  i've got to pace, i've got to think, i've got to walk around with all this stupid shit and i'm tired.  i'd run away (i always want to run away) but i have to take my sorry ass with me.  That kinda defeats the purpose.

Tags: angry, sleepless, therapy
Current Location: Desk
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Runaway Love Ludacrious & Mary J.

Tags: artwork, therapy
Current Location: Desk
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Runaway Love Ludacrious & Mary J.

i search desperately for some time to myself, for a few minutes of peace, for solitude.  And, inevitably as soon as i get it, i'm lonely and frightened for the past crowds around me and smothers me and chokes out the present and the future.  Enough.  It is water under the bridge.  i have dealt with it.  i have told my miserable sorry tale.  i really thought that now there would be some sort of closure.  Some sort of... i don't know... getting on with it.
i keep thinking that eventually i'm going to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get the fuck over it.  That the screaming will stop.  The endless blog posts will stop.  The obsessions, compulsions, and flat out fucking craziness will stop.  That all the bullshit that keeps me from living up to my potential will stop and i will move on with my life.  But, i'm starting to see that i'm not interrupted, i'm fucking derailed.  i'm going to have to learn to accept these fucked up limitations and live with them for the rest of my mother fucking life.  There will never come a day when i don't hear the voices.  There will never come a day when i don't loose time.  There will never come a day when i am not a total flake no matter how hard i might try.  Its just not going to fucking happen.
Get the fuck up over it angel, these are the cards you got dealt.  Pissing and moaning about this is just as bad as pissing and moaning about my fucked up childhood.  Which i can't abide.  So i'm going to cut it out.  No more pissing and moaning.  i'm going to suck it the fuck up up and learn to live with it.  This is just another shit hand of cards.  Okay.  i can deal with that.  i dealt with it before and i can deal with it again.
i'm not saying i won't still write about my nightmares and shit here.  i'm not saying i won't still bitch HERE.  Cause this is my journal.  i've always pissed and moaned in my journal.  Your journal is where you are supposed to piss and moan.  But, if you are my friend and we talk, you won't hear about it anymore.  i won't discuss it anymore.  i'm letting go of the bitterness except for here and in therapy.
The rest of my life will be full of sticky notes, reminder calls, redoing shit over and over, and obsessing.  Does it piss me off?  Does it make me want to filet a few sick mother fuckers?  Hell yes!  Is there shit i can do about it?  Sadly, nope.  So i may as well just accept it.  Tough shit amiga, like it or lump it, cheers fuckface.

Tags: realizations
Current Location: Desk
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Runaway Love Ludacrious & Mary J.

i awoke last night just before the scream escaped my throat, with ghosts beside my bed.  She was a skinny dirty little kid and he was a evil eyed old man.  That was it for sleep for me.  i got up and sat in the chair the rest of the night just sitting and staring into space.  i'm tired today and i feel so fucking old. 
Hands everywhere, on my throat and all over me.  Voices constantly.  Shutup.  Can't you just shutup for a damn minute?

Its not getting better yet.

Tags: insanity
Current Mood: apathetic